Could you give me some actual critique?

I believe I need to trim this down but it is too fresh for me and I was working from memories of this and that so I may have timelines or other details a bit off. Do I need to clarify the connection between the coming holiday and the wrong that was done to the inhabitants ? Also I wanted to convey that for a long time, there were peaceful relations, benefits to all and mutual respect. It was a GOVERNMENT establishing its grip over everything and everyone that brought about the horrors that ensued later. And the government did not do so to hold to any pledge or the rights of all men. They put some figureheads that believed that jargon as focus to distract from the wealth being accumulated for the backers. Does anyone know where I can find out just who they were? who had to money to fund early politics? After the American Revolution?
And just who has claim to ‘Government Lands’? ARE WE THE PEOPLE or not? This is very important for me to understand because of the misinformation they gave my generation in textbooks . I would love any realted information or even your personal thoughts about this, please.

Colorful sparks shower down in sucession
whistling rocket spinners wail somewhere close;
the kids hold sparklers, wave their wands
making magic and not knowing anything
about fighting for the freedom that made us
a great nation, and a power that held sway
over countries united for a common cause-
to bring democracy to the global population..
No one will tell those children that the story
is fictional. It was not about opression,
revolution or peace. It was about money, or rather
the wealth of resources America promised.
There were some that set dishonest deals
and exploited the simplicity and sacredness
of the native born, using their fear and uncertainty

From the early 1730′s to tFort Mandan in 1804,
white men traded goods and learned the ways of
the many tribes along the rivers and on the plains.
There was little trouble here, though wariness of the Sioux
was apparent. But the Native Villagers from nearby lands
viewed the technologically advanced assessment as spirit-quest
and respected much too highly the strange things they were seeing.

The land we call home was an unmapped frontier;
the Colorado river was pure and swift and deep,
the gorge that it carved at had taken countless years
to forge; and it was an awesome, untainted thing.

Sparks from gunpowder and villages lain to waste
are what I think of when I see a fireworks display.
Independence is self-serving when disrespect
and subversion, fraudulent collaborative efforts to
take over and subordinate win victory for the indifferent
when it would have been better to have interdependence
It was offered by our hosts. Instead we are now
their governing republic, and they are ghosts.
Nonny, that is the best editing job I have ever received.]

Chosen Answer:

not knowing about freedom that made us a great nation…” We are in countless ways still barbaric as a race – no I’m not speaking of just the white or black American race – I’m referring to the entire human race. It’s still survival of the fittest, dinosaur versus dinosaur, man versus man, and the weakest must succumb. And I am not talking of american patriotism, I’m speaking of patriotism applied to the whole human race (DannyR). Fault the weaker ones (the natives, the lesser nations) for their weakness, fault them for size, and fault them for their ignorance and call yourself strong and great! There is a flaw in all of it.
It’s glaring but we don’t see it.
by: Yesu Ben
on: 2nd July 11

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6 Responses to “Could you give me some actual critique?”

  1. THE BANNIBAL ONE says:

    Ghosts rawk.fireworks are lousy when you’re older.
    No glory in wasting money on noise.All the other Q’s
    can only be answered by opinions.Facts are twisted.
    bye

  2. Rachel says:

    There is not enough time or space for me to go back into the research I did when I finally got a super interest in politics. What do I tell you? That the whole system is rotten to the core? It always has been? Should I tell you that going out to vote is a joke? The “winners” are pre-determined. Corruption is unbelieveable. Should I tell that a lot of Americans have been blind-sided by their Churches to only vote for one party because their church sold out to that party…even when it’s not real.

    You need facts, not me just saying it’s so. You need dates, names, and places. The research is enormous. The truth is out there and it’s worse than anyone can imagine. It rocked my world. I am VERY patriotic still. My only hope is that a huge majority of Americans band together and cause enough disruption…NOT VIOLENCE…that the whole system would be forced to change. Americans do not want to acknowledge their own weakness and apathy. We prefer to think it’s hopeless. We are too big, we’re outnumbered. Right? People who DO uncover truths are labelled “conpiracy nuts”…and there are so many theories that I’m sure some of them are NOT true.

    Then we have Americans who really WANT TO BE TOLD WHAT TO BELIEVE. They are staunch party supporters on both sides. How the Hell do we even begin to deal with minds that are in total lockdown?

    I think you are prone to depression like I am. I also think your curiosity will not let you stop. You have my sympathy.

    To make peace within myself, I have come to realize that EVERY country has a blood-stained history. Yet…I love my fellow Americans and hope people take back the government before it’s too late.

  3. Read More Poetry says:

    Read:

    Alvin Josephy, Charles Mann.

    You’ll find more.

  4. warandpeace says:

    “1776″ by David McCullough is a vivid introduction to the era.

    “American Scripture” by Pauline Maier is an excellent account of the drafting of the Constitution.

    A famous “alternative” history of the US from the viewpoint of its minorities is Howard Zinn’s “A People’s History of the United States.”

  5. neonman says:

    You certainly are prolific. Take some time as I told you before to let the words settle and then review. This ‘rewrite’ is quick and not perfect, by any means, but I wanted to take a lot of the superfluous words out to let you see that punctuation can accomplish a lot if you let it. Keep writing, I enjoy your offerings.

    Colorful sparks shower down in succession
    whistling rocket spinners wail so close;
    kids hold sparklers, wave their wands
    making magic, not knowing anything
    about fighting for freedom that made us
    a great nation, a power that held sway
    over countries united for a common cause-
    to bring democracy to the global population..
    No one will tell those children the story
    is fictional. It was not about oppression,
    revolution or peace. It was about money,
    the wealth of resources America promised.
    There were some that set dishonest deals,
    exploited the simplicity, sacredness of
    native born, using their fear and uncertainty

    From the early 1730′s to Fort Mandan,
    white men traded, learned the ways of
    many tribes along rivers and on the plains.
    little trouble there, though wariness of the Sioux
    so apparent. But native villagers from nearby lands
    viewed whites as superior, and on a spirit-quest
    and respected much strange things they saw.

    The land we call home, an unmapped frontier;
    the Colorado river so pure, swift and deep,
    the gorge it carved, eon countless years
    to forge; and it was awesome, untainted pure.

    Sparks from gunpowder and villages lain to waste
    are what I think when I see a fireworks display.
    Independence, self-serving when disrespected
    and subversive; fraudulent collaborative efforts to
    take over, subordinate, win victory for ‘indifferents’
    when it would’ve been better to have interdependence
    It was offered by our hosts. Instead we’re now
    their governing republic, and they are the ghosts.

  6. Yesu Ben says:

    not knowing about freedom that made us a great nation…” We are in countless ways still barbaric as a race – no I’m not speaking of just the white or black American race – I’m referring to the entire human race. It’s still survival of the fittest, dinosaur versus dinosaur, man versus man, and the weakest must succumb. And I am not talking of american patriotism, I’m speaking of patriotism applied to the whole human race (DannyR). Fault the weaker ones (the natives, the lesser nations) for their weakness, fault them for size, and fault them for their ignorance and call yourself strong and great! There is a flaw in all of it.
    It’s glaring but we don’t see it.

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