So, okay, there’s this girl, right, and her name is Bella Swan, and her dad is in the L.A.P.D and one day her mom dies so they move out to the small town of Forks Washington because her dad has dreams of being a hermit in the wooded Pacific Northwest like all Vietnam veterans suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. Anyway right, Bella starts up her first day at highschool in Forks Washington and everyone hates her and ostracises the fuck out of her, because she’s Black or German or some shit, so Bella meets and rapidly falls in love with the dark and brooding and mysterious young man known only as: Twilight (hence the title).
Anyway, Bella and Twilight fall in love and have all kinds of crazy teenage sex when one night Twilight’s power mask falls off and Bella sees his gills, meaning that Twilight is a member of a tribe of ancient, frightening and long misunderstood demons. That’s right, Twilight is in fact: A Dracula. And when Bella is shocked and pissed the fuck off, but her love for Twilight overpowers her fear and her anger, and takes Bella back to meet her Dracula clan, and her Dracula cousins; New Moon, Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn. And in their underworld Dracula compound, Bella engages in feasts and orgies with Twilight and his family, and Bella wishes never to return to her asshole dad, who is responsible for the wonderful turn her life has taken.
Bella asks Twilight to turn her into a Dracula so that she may live forever and may have feasts and orgies and ride the night on the back of a flying motorcycle, wind in her hair, and liberation, palpable as SHIT. Twilight declines because he’s faggot like that, not wanting to taint her beauty by giving her Dracula gills or whatever fag ass reason he has. Anyway, Bella thinks that something’s up because she’s a detective, and she waits until Twilight gets good and drunk during one of the orgies and overhears him talking to his Dracula grandfather, king of the Draculas known only as – The Host. Bella listens and she hears Twilight reveal that he is the Dracula responsible for killing Bella’s mother, and Bella gets pissed the FUCK off.
Bella challenges Twilight to a fight to the death to avenge her mother, who she then learns was a famous Dracula slayer. Bella is torn between her love for Twilight and her love for her mother knowing that Twilight was probably only acting in self defence against her mother who hunted Draculas. Anyway, Bella confused and conflicted runs into the Forks national forest to meditate and focus her chi. The spirit of her mother arises from a lake made of tears of blood and tells Bella to follow her heart. Bella steals herself, and takes up her katana and samurai armour. She rides through the night on horseback with her ten thousand strong army of Mongols united under her common law and irradiates all of the Draculas off the face of Forks Washington. She kills Twilight’s mortal form and rapes his soul and makes him feel like an ASSHOLE for the pain that he caused her.
With her mother thoroughly avenged, Bella returns to Lake Blood Tears and watches as the spirit of her mother ascends into Valhalla, where she will battle the greatest fallen warriors in Dracula history in preparation for Ragnarok. Bella goes stag to her highschool prom that year and tells the popular girls all what cunts they are and threatens to do Tae-Kwon-Do at them if they ever fuck with her ass again. After the prom, Bella walks out of the dance hall and breathes in the night air. She takes a long and pensive drag on a cigarette and puts on her reflective aviators even though it’s nightime. She slips into her leather jacket as though it were a second skin to her, straddles her Triumph Rocket III, gripping the tallest set of ape-hangers your ass has ever seen, and rides off into the sunset, wind in her hair, shotgun slung over her shoulder, keetar slung over her shoulder forming an ‘x’ on the back of her back (which is symbolic), and wearing a look of determination on her face.
She remembers how during her great battle, Twilight’s cousin New Moon escaped and ran from the Dracula lair. She knows that New Moon will soon be rounding up the other Dracula clans from around the world to exact revenge on Bella and her Mongols. As Bella rides off, she gives the audience one last bit of narration: “They’ll come for me. Wherever I go, they’ll be there. For their sake, I hope these bastards know what they’re in for. No mercy. No forgiveness. No fucking around.” Fade to black.
It’s really good. Itt reminds me I must never, ever, lower myself to read these books.
on: 16th July 09