WARNING ADULT LANGUAGE!!!!!………Please enjoy this is like the “prologue” to the story I’ve been working on for quiet some time now, just wanna get an idea of what i should or shouldn’t do…thanks your opinion matters..:D
The year is 2100, mankind abused our planet Earth by littering, destroying and rapid use of fossil fuels. By doing all that mankind melted the earths only fresh water supply right into the ocean, and as if that wasn’t enough there was a 10 year war on oil between the western coalition, and the eastern alliances of Russia, and china. The war started in 2075 August 5th…the day I was born…so I grew up a pretty decent life that is until my father left to fight in the war, leaving me with my mom in 2080 when I was only 5 and just started school….As time went on my life got worse and worse the war was all around me not the fight itself but the struggle for it…prices for crude oil sky rocketed to 20 bucks a gallon….riots occurred….people stopped going to school…I felt alone…The war finally ended in 2085 June 20th when both fractions agreed to put all efforts into creating cheap-efficient bio fuels, which in the long run turned out to be a competition on the word “Bio”….From the race to make the most efficient fuel scientists discovered alot about bio fuels they can be used to enhance normal performances proving not to be harmful or toxic at the time….ethanol now the most common fuel is used in most of our cars and only emits harmless water vapor…And for 1.50 a gallon it was a winner….even though that race was over research didn’t stop…..2093 on the day of my graduation they made a discovery that they could manipulate genetic code with these bio engineered products to increase any trait you wish….hearing, speech, and sight….The first tests were on the newly graduated students to let loose a whole new breed of successors they said….till about a year later side effects were realized.
Out breaks of these Bio engineered performance enhancing drugs (B.I.E.P.E.D.S) resulted from the first batch……It had a 10% kill rate from these unpredicted mutations, and a 80% mutation rate which turned the host’s of the B.I.E.P.E.D.S into more agile beings able to contort their psychical body shape, darker skin pigmentations, skeletal mutations including longer spines, and bigger jaws, a great taste for cannibalism and increased aggression…….the last 10% of the first batch that I was in instead what was deemed by scientists rapid evolution occurred, where as these hosts had rapid regeneration able to heal a open wound within a minute, increased brain capacity making the few of us smarter, and unpredictable unique abilities such as increased strength and agility beyond measure making the host able to sprint at top speed for hours on end, higher sense of balance and stability making the host able to land on their feet or recover from a fall in a split second amongst this group of people a total of 11,266 dead after the first year all slow and painful…..83,567 mutated into what are known as the infected, offspring of these mutated hosts were known as nibblers who earned their title by consuming their victims slowly but painfully……the evolved hosts were known as Saints being blessed with immeasurable luck says scientists, but the “luck” of the Saints ran short when the Infected began consuming them because they were seen as major threats to their kind…..slowly they picked off the remaining 10,000 Saints devouring them as if they were delegate meals a large portion of the saints ran like hunted cattle all over the world but the Infected didn’t rest till they found and devoured their threats to their species…….so the war of the Saints and infected began on 2095 August 5th on my 20th birthday, The United Nations marine corps (UNMC) ordered all Saints to their nearest Police stations for immediate protection, but few of them trusted the UNMC and fled……their mistake was being to slow to out run the overwhelming force of the infected, the wiser ones…..joined the UNMC for payback of killing all of their friends I and my close friends became very familiar with weapons put in our arms classic Bio-material guns that shot super heated projectiles at blinding speed with deadly accuracy. The enlisted saints formed their own ranks, squads, and codenames some such as mine Yoshi, my best friend John’s Poison Killer, James a good friend of John and I’s Didn’t have a codename he figured he’d be dead before anyone could remember it, Tammy a girl I’ve known since high school, and consider almost as close as a sister, and My step-Brother Adam codename Elite. Our Squad Spartans was deployed at 0600 at a uninhabited forest in southern Africa, the UNMC had suspicions that a infected population was growing and mobilizing for an attack….this is the Video feed of that nightmarish mission…
(Transmission will be below)
Copyright © 2008
okay now if you liked that! Send me your email and I will email you my complete prologue just email me back what you think please, HOPE EVERYONE ENJOYS!
OKAY BECAUSE I JUST FEEL THE LACK IN DEPTH OF THE STORY PLEASE SEND ME YOUR EMAIL SO THAT I CAN EMAIL THE ENTIRE PROLOGUE THANK YOU.
Ok, well, there are a few things you could improve on with this, some of them are just general writing tips, others are specific to your story.
First, you should improve on your vocabulary.You tend to use the same words over again and to close together.For instance, you use “mankind ” twice within two sentences fo each other.
You should also vary your sentences more, change the structure of each because after awhile reading the same structured sentence gets boring for the reader.
When your going into describing the first war, describe it more.You spend two seconds on it before going into the character’s life, as well you shouldn’t reveal all of that about your character within the first couple of lines.Also, don’t use so many ellipses like that.
Throughout the thing, you’re sort of all over the place, trying to describe to much into a short amount fo time.
Also, instead of spelling out B.I.E.P.E.D.S, because like that it is to long to say each individual word, just spell it Biepeds, one word.
Overall,in my opinion, you are just plain all over the place.You want to tell about the character, while still describing the war and you can’t do both in just a prologue.I think you should use the prologue to describe the war, then when the story begins go into the character throughout, don’t just lay his life on the table right at the get-go.
on: 15th November 08